Love. Above everything else I believe in love. When everything abstract crumbles love is still there floating above the debris. Love is stable and unconditional. Love is never asked how it feels, it just feels and is, no questions asked. I have always had a hard time believe in what I can't see. I have always left room for wonder, always wondering and thinking and thinking too much. Love is one thing that is undeniable, solid as a rock, set in stone, unpenetratable. Love you can count on, but never is it a reboud. Love lives inside of you, never leaking, never fading, and never questioning.
I could say what I have to say mysteriously and symbolically, but I'd rather sound like a cheesy soap opera right now, because love deserves cheesy. If there's one thing that deserves cheesy lines in order to make itself clear it is love because love is the only thing that is clear. No complications, it just is and always will be. Amidst the swirling problems that are life it is there to set your feet back on the ground, to remind you what is important, and to give you new eyes. New eyes to solve new problems. New eyes to see new opportunities.
I have been in love once. Heck, I am still in love, but I've got to open my heart wider that it has ever been opened before. I've got to keep searching, I've got to find new eyes day after day. Not to obstruct my vision but to remind me that life is worth it. To give me hope for a new life, a new start, a new beginning.

Where have they all gone? What once felt like a world of mystery and what once felt like an open field ready for exploration has caused me the biggest case of claustrophobia i've ever felt before. Where have they all gone?
They are missing, lost in their own self images, lost on the field and they don't know how to play. Stuck there while I'm stuck here longing to be. To be more than what I am. To know there's more out there than these enclosed spaces. I want to be with them.
I want to frolic, I want to play, I want to work up a sweat.

Hush little baby, cry, laugh, crawl. Your chance is now, crawl through the confines of space itself into a world of thoughtful and useful minds, a world of originality and bodies that follow up on potential. Your leaves are wilting already, here is not the place to plant yourself, I know the perfect place for seeds if you are willing to listen. I know the place, I've been there so many times.

In sleep in dreams in my own mind, oh yes I've seen the fertile land. I know what it is, I know what I want, all I need is a map. All I've ever needed was a map. I'm capable, just give me direction, guide me so I can guide the flowers that sprout in my garden and have them plant their roots thereafter.

Guide me so I can spread and fill the space I was meant to spread, my body has given in to the demands of the room. I want to float. I want to fly. Fly, fly away. With you, my baby, my seeds, my inexperienced, let me show you the way.

you were the first taste of the world as i now know it. you introduced everything worth introducing, but now that you're gone i can do my share of introduction.

there are so many things that i could be writing about, but not one of them seems to fit into words at the moment, and i like that a lot
until now everything seemed to be spiraling into something unknown, something that i know now to be something greater than i ever could have imagined.
i don't need to hide or be ashamed, i have wasted too much time already hiding.
so far in my new skin i have made countless new friends, and i for once can give advice and feel worthy of doing it.
i can honestly care because my life seems so on course and worry free that my mind has room to share.

i honestly feel like i haven't really felt anything until now. like a new chapter of my life is just beginning
it feels great to know what caring (and truly caring) feels like
it feels great not to be completely selfish
i just want to have fun and feel everything there is to feel and to live until i can't live any longer

i have a beautiful boyfriend, amazing friends, and a life i wouldn't trade for anyone elses

i don't think i've smiled this much in a really long time

i needed this weekend so fucking bad

WHAT THE FUCK IS A WALKER PLAZA I JUST WANT A GRANNY SMITH APPLE
that is all

Lust lingers in the air, searching ever so stealthily for its next innocent, or not so innocent victim, hoping to drive them wild, give them the greatest pleasure and greatest regret of their lives, and it's sad to say that the clouds are overhead. There's nothing we can say now besides flirtatious criticism of a mistake of a meal and hell of an aftertaste, and there's everything that we can do. What we want and who we are don't matter now, just whisper in my ear that everything will work out fine and I know that you speak the truth. Just whisper anything and I know you speak the truth. You are the truth, just keep touching, just keep feeling, just keep telling me things that you don't mean, because I'm loving every second of it. Who's to say that this isn't the most perfect moment of my life, and who's to say that it will ever end? Just keep breathing, I want to watch your chest. And your body. And you. God, just keep breathing until the end of time. Or until you forget me in the morning.

What are you afraid of?




I am afraid of lonely nights until the day that I die. I am even more afraid of nights filled with unwanted company and lustful decisions. I am starting to really appreciate the decisions that I've made in the past, and what they have done for me now. I'm starting to regret some of the moments in life when I haven't felt comfortable, or when I've given up on what I wanted. I deserve whatever I'm willing to work for, and it has nothing to do with arrogance. There is no barrier between me and the rest of the world, I just want to fucking BE.

I barely know you and I am so thankful for all the hope you've brought me. Your mystery only makes me listen what you say, because mystery seems to be the only thing I find to adore in people lately. I know that the least bit of happiness is worth fighting for, and I know that my happiness should be top priority to myself, and it never has been before.

    The only thing that matters is that your image is the only thing that ever mattered. I have tried so many times to believe, but believing is a thing of the past. All I need is for you to be here, and I will bathe in your lies and questionable self-image. And drown.
    Whether I can carry on is not the question, because I already know that the afterlife is only a gulp of water away. Rather, how long it will take to cope with my new surroundings. Acceptance seems so easy when surrounded by gold and silver, but what do I need jewelry for at this point when all I ever wanted was the comfort of mortality?
    Now that I'm here, I should at least fake a state of comfortability, but the throne is firm under my sensitive frame. I try not to call out for help, but the clouds are thin and tempting. You are so close, and I am, in the truest sense, god knows where. 
    I wish you'd stop tempting me with your laughter. You think I don't hear it, but I can see your shining face looking down my humanly pale body, and you laugh! You have the nerve to make a sound when I've been speechless since before I can remember, and that hurts more than anything else. I can deal with separation as long as the clouds connect us both, but I cannot deal with rain before a blue day. I can take sitting up here uncomfortably, but not falling into the unknown.
    Why do I say these things when all you've ever told me is to enjoy the scenery? The birds will not keep me company! What scenery is there for me here? On a clear day? And how can I enjoy anything when I can't even feel my own stomach, let alone see straight.
    But the thrill of falling will subside eventually, and there's no telling where I'll land.

Now that I'm finally home, I can start forgetting. Everything.
Now that I'm finally home, all I want is to spend time with my friends and enjoy life. Nothing else.

I wish someone would give me the message that the past few days have only been a joke. I wish someone would wake me up. I wish I wasn't here. and I wish I could coax my internet chord to reach across the hotel bed, but it seems I will be on the floor again tonight.

We will  run around with no destination and make passionate promises that we will soon find out we can't keep, that's what I have to look forward to.

p.s. here is a run-on sentence of my current thoughts

i wish mom would grow up and realize shes not the only person that matters and that goes to a few other people as well i walked an ungodly distance today also i am quite red from the sun but it feels pretty nice and tingly my hair has been curly this whole trip but i haven't had the energy to straighten it plus apparently my family likes it better curly as well i am dying because of relationship problems and i wish i didn't care so much about everything or i wish other people cared more the air in here smells very wet and i don't like it at all last night i slept with one blanket and one blanket only also i slept on the floor i tried to grab the blanket from my sisters friend but she resisted so i curled up in a ball and wished i had someone to cuddle with i'm glad my parents left to go eat because i cant stand their constant bickering i can't wait to move out in a year i just want to be free i need a job so bad to save for an appartment that is when my life will truly begin or when it will start over or when things will get better or when something will happen i hope oh wait i stopped in mid sentence to go get my subway sandwich because they didn't want to bring it to me so i had to go down and back up 9 floors it was pretty cool ok bye~~*~*

I won't say that all that has happened is good, because I can't allow myself to think that, but I will say that I'm glad it happened now.

We've come a long way, and you've unraveled my mysteries one by one, but there are mysteries yet to come. It seems you've missed my point and jumped straight down my spine, but you are not me. You cannot open my eyes or move my legs. My spine is useless to you, and you'll be tired of my vertebral column soon enough. My body is my own, and I alone control my ever-changing, completely uncharacteristic attributes. You don't know me at all.

    Just look at me! See what I am and what I'm about, I'm begging! Just try once to feel what I'm feeling, and maybe, just maybe, once the barriers are broken, try to really understand. What I have to say is not suitable for the mouth or technological fingers, and if I could muster up the courage to let it out it wouldn't mean anything at all.
    Oh god, do I feel. I am here to feel what you can't feel. I am an emotion catcher. I am motion detector. I am a heart-wrecker, and I'm after myself once again.
    I can't give my trust without giving everything, and I know deep inside that you don't deserve everything that I am. I am more than a body, and more than what is expected, what is typical, and what is normal. I know that I am exceptional, so why aren't my exceptional decisions praised?